The water's fine.

I'm engulfed. Then I realize, tomorrow I'm free. Tomorrow I'm home. I can get through one day, I can even forget that one day of three tests. I don't even mind it now. It calls me to remember the importance of perspective. Even when it is that bad, the valley of the hike, don't worry tomorrow you could be at the top of the mountain looking at all you've overcome.

Prone to Wander

Life.
To live and to die,
Finding direction and finding life,
Blindness, momentary…
Then sight.
We all are left to choose,
To discover the treasures of the world
Or to be left in darkness
To die, the tragic death of dreams
Or to continue forward, learning all the way.

How It Feels to Be Colored Me

This orchestra grows rambunctious, rears on its hind legs and attacks the tonal veil with primitive fury, rending it, clawing it until it breaks through to the jungle beyond. I follow those heathen--follow them exultingly. I dance wildly inside myself; I yell within, I whoop; I shake my assegai above my head, I hurl it true to the mark yeeeeooww! I am in the jungle and living in the jungle way. My face is painted red and yellow and my body is painted blue. My pulse is throbbing like a war drum. I want to slaughter something--give pain, give death to what, I do not know. But the piece ends. The men of the orchestra wipe their lips and rest their fingers. I creep back slowly to the veneer we call civilization with the last tone and find the white friend sitting motionless in his seat, smoking calmly.

"Good music they have here," he remarks, drumming the table with his fingertips.

Music. The great blobs of purple and red emotion have not touched him. He has only heard what I felt. He is far away and I see him but dimly across the ocean and the continent that have fallen between us. He is so pale with his whiteness then and I am so colored.

Zora Neale Hurston

Glass, Concrete, and Stone

That feeling of apathy. Oh my heavens, it just came about like these clouds. Covered up that beautiful blue sky and them stars. Not to say darkness has overshadowed my life, nope, not like that. Anything but that. I think it is just the time to move on. I have no problem leaving this, I just need to know that it's time to go. I don't think I could handle bringing about something that I didn't intend, especially now. It is almost a good feeling, being ready to let it all go. I mean seriously, this almost feels healthy.

Lost into that seamless veil of blue

Good morning world. I am definitely wondering what is going on but can I say good things? I mean seriously how can I be so lucky? I am way grateful for this world and the people in it.

Post Secret

My soul keeps on pushing me towards some unknown path. I feel it and it keeps getting stronger. Oh wow. My whole body is craving it, movement. I am being pushed to action. Action unknown. It isn't like I am unsatisfied but change is so near for me, and it is up to me to make it happen. Pivotal moments. We are only young once right? Well I am ready.

Member Missionary

I think we sometimes forget our divine duty as members of the church to listen to the spirit and share the gospel with those around us. Fairly amazing.

Maybe if you came about.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds
of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make
not a bond of love Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow

—- khalil gabrin, on love—-

Cheese to my Macaroni

Keep me from going to sleep too soon

Or if I go to sleep too soon

Come wake me up. Come any hour

Of night. Come whistling up the road.

Stomp on the porch. Bang on the door.

Make me get out of bed and come

And let you in and light a light.

Tell me the northern lights are on

And make me look. Or tell me the clouds

Are doing something to the moon

They never did before, and show me.

See that I see. Talk to me till

I’m half as wide awake as you

And start to dress wondering why

I ever went to bed at all.

Tell me the walking is superb.

Not only tell me but persuade me.

You know I’m not too hard persuaded.

Robert Francis

Somewhere in the space between

Halfway through the semester and I am fairly in over my head...people say this is the point where you kick it into gear and run on some chemical your body is producing too much of (adrenaline) Well folks, I'm not sure I can do that. I need to keep going but I definitely am at a loss to how I can get it all done. But then again, there is always the hope of another semester, one with easier classes and a lighter work load. That is currently my focus. Just keep pushing till I end up on the other side. I can almost see a little bit of light even now. Well maybe not but I have a feeling like it is out there somewhere.

Anything is better than posh isolation.

So I'm sitting here listening to the uke. Looking at lovely things (Paper Tissue). Wearing purple party pants. I figure it is like this. Everyone feels like everyone else, just sometimes not at the same time. Fundamentally we all have the same goals. We're all just really unpredictable. Things change, come and go. I like it. Let's not stop because it is late and we're tired. Don't let the habit get in the way of something better.

Young wolf boy get out of this town.

Oh baby it is great outside. Sometimes I wake up in the morning having no idea what to feel for the day. Then I start walking to school and it's clear. I am so happy. I think the most important thing for each of us to do is be grateful for what is around us, what we have and our potential. When this happens, we are able to forget ourselves, giving everything to others. Truly being stewards of these bodies freely given to us.

I also went to a bomb diggity concert on Saturday night with my girl Anna and Mary. (That is where the title comes from)

Calculating.

They were in our minds until forever but we didn't mind. We didn't know better. Am I ready to make the hard decision? Yes. I am free and there is such a beautiful world out there. Everyday we decide where we will go, where life will lead us. It's up to us. What matters to you doesn't matter to me. What matters to you doesn't matter to them. What matters to them doesn't change anything. I have learned of the good and potential each one of us has and I know that even now there is so much more, we have such good potential. It took that fine mingling of holding on and letting go to help me realize I shouldn't ever settle. So hallelujah, cut the strings, let me go to help me fly. So not like a kite...you need the string you know? I am a bird, free.

This Modern Love

Long time no see lovely space of mine. Well I am in love.

God's seemless veil of blue.

It is all cloudy outside. Not the type of clouds that get you down, these clouds are invigorating. They make me feel alive, the smell, the wind. All of it draws me closer to these mountains. I feel like it is worthwhile, time.

Trees.

And then I wonder. Oh boy, oh boy. Sometime things become confusing. I am learning and figuring out things everyday. I think that there is such comfort in hope, our lives become clearer as we see our purpose within Heavenly Father's plan. I know without a doubt that as we chose good in our lives, all the right things will and can fall into place.

Fluent

I would love to live
Like a river flows.
Carried by the surprise
Of its own unfolding.

John O'Donohue

The sea is just a wetter verison of the skies.

This is one of those post...the job post. Well all of three people, I absolutely love my job. I love these mountains just as much as I love the lake. Wow we have such a wonderful and mysterious world all around us. It makes me want to learn about everything. Oh the journey of life. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Pray in your wilderness.

Last night I went on a night walk. I sat down on that earthy ground and attempted to turn off the worldly lights blinding my vision to the sky. The beautiful silhouette of tall pines and aspens and the stars above. There I sat and pondered. Now isn't a time for answers, now is the time to live, learn and experience. Time to enjoy.

Work and Education

My goals. My entire life I plan on working hard and I plan to never stop learning. Simply put, I love this life. I love Provo, the green trees and its weather. I have a feeling like I'll love Aspen Grove and the summer time. I love my roommates. I am so grateful for this great stretch of endless possibilities in front of me. Then there is love. Life being unpredictable as it is, love comes and goes like a fine wind. Enveloping and then breezing away. Sometimes the best kind stays a lifetime and then into the eternities. That my friends is what I working on. I'm learning working and loving. I don't want this to end. And it never will. The trials we face are there for our strength and improvement, that man above knows exactly what he is doing. Never forget that. Stick to your goals.

Slowly but it's happening.

Now and then I get ahead of myself. Then I breath and remember I've got plenty of time on my hands.

You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars
you have a right to be here
and whether or not it is clear to you
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should
therefore be at peace with God
whatever you conceive him to be
and whatever your labors and aspirations
in the noisy confusion of life
keep peace with your soul
with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams
it is still a beautiful world.

Max Ehrmann

And then we lived like Lions.

Oh to be the king of the world. Laying here hindered by my own body makes me think. We are all hindered in one way or another but that is the catch. Yes, who cares? We can still do it all. Once you decided to rule your own life, you become king. No one can have control over your mind. You rule domain, never give it up. Simply put by James Barrie, "To be happy, don't do whatever you like, like whatever you do." So here we are, mired by gravity and yet there is hope. Strong hope, a knowledge that everything will be okay.

That force pushing within

The laws of this world are inevitable. We are bound by each one, tied hopelessly to the ground. But that can't stop us from living, we find power, knowledge and love. You know that moment, that split second when you fall in love? The moment when you just know. I think about sometimes, trying to pinpoint that exact moment when I fell, often the memory comes, others it is lost to the wind but I still feel it, you know. The love I felt before. Something like that never leaves your soul. So yes, we're bound by the elements and moved by those forces from inside of us. They show us the way.

Heartless

A little cracking here and there.
Where did this come from?
It tears at my soul,
Pulls at my heartstrings.
I have no idea how to come out of this.
Without my heart?

Oh boy

I am quite in danger here. I don't quite know what to do. Taking all things in stride is the best advice I can give to anyone. Anyone including myself. The world goes round on this beautiful night full of life. I feel as though I could stay up all night long.

"From what we cannot hold the stars are made."
-W.S. Merwin

My life seems past, and yet is somehow new; I know you not, a stranger, but I live in you.
Helen, Goethe's Faust

The Wicked Woman

Mikhail Bulgakov, The Master and Margarita pg. 206
“…Once upon a time there was a lady. She had no children, and no happiness either. And at first she cried for a long time, but then she became wicked…” Margarita fell silent, and took her hand away—the boy was sleeping.”

Our plans never turn out like we suppose them to. Ah but that is life, endless possibilities. We must be willing to let go of everything, in that moment can we gain anything.

And I'm still standing as the wind blows around me.

What a beautiful day. Taken by the wind was never so true, it sweeps my hair away from my face and pulls at the corners of my heart. I love the wind. But here I talk about something more. A different bit of wind. The wind of life that threatens to uproot us from the ground of faith. Somedays it just blows and blows, seemingly to never cease. But there is hope, Christ atoned for these kind of days. He through his redeeming love and strength was "bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him." I find my strength through my great redeemer and Savior who suffered all things. And I live.

And then we lived.

There is a basin in the mind
where words float around on thought
and thought on sound and sight.
Then there is a depth of thought
untouched by words,
and deeper still,
a gulf of formless feelings
untouched by thought

-Their Eyes Were Watching God

We're all adults here...?

That is it. I turned twenty. I've decided that I am an adult. Officially. So then. What do adults do? They care about people. Or that is the type of adult I am aspiring to be. They aren't super sarcastic. They are professional. They wake up at a decent hour...8am? They make their beds. And put away their clothes. They eat healthy. They call people on the phone. They go to the temple. They listen. They aren't selfish. They are on time. They pay with cash. Have wallets for that cash. And purses for those wallets. When a book is started, it is finished. So there we have it. A set of goals.

People

As my Sigmund Freud said, "Be interested in people, care about what they say and think. People are interesting." It was one of those self actualization experiences that Carl Rogers taught. If I can learn to simply let go of myself, and look onto others. Seeing what they love, their interest and goals, and recognize where they are coming from, I will really begin to love them and show that love. Not just say I love them, but actually reflect that love in my actions.

I'll eat you up, I love you so.

Takes my breath away
You see those stars?
That moon?
I'm right there
Swings and Trees
The world
The sky
And everything in between.
Share it with me.

We ate the birds. We ate them. We wanted their songs to flow up through our throats and burst out of our mouths, and so we ate them. We wanted their feathers to bud from our flesh. We wanted their wings, we wanted to fly as they did, soar freely among the treetops and the clouds, and so we ate them. We speared them, we clubbed them, we tangled their feet in glue, we netted them, we spitted them, we threw them onto hot coals, and all for love, because we loved them. We wanted to be one with them. We wanted to hatch out of clean, smooth, beautiful eggs, as they did, back when we were young and agile and innocent of cause and effect, we did not want the mess of being born, and so we crammed the birds into our gullets, feathers and all, but it was no use, we couldn’t sing, not effortlessly as they do, we can’t fly, not without smoke and metal, and as for the eggs we don’t stand a chance. We’re mired in gravity, we’re earthbound. We’re ankle-deep in blood, and all because we ate the birds, we ate them a long time ago, when we still had the power to say no.

eating the birds, margaret atwood

If people were rain.

Pain is injury leaving your body. Imagine that, it is nothing but proof that you are moving on, healing, letting go of something that held onto you for a time. So there it is, lets all chose today and let it go. When you speak, let poetry spring from your lips. Injury and pain will come and go but that is exactly how it aught to be. We need to know the injury and pain to know what its like to be healed and whole.

Footing

You know, we talked about this exact thing in Relief Society on Sunday. The whole entire natural world typifies Christ through rebirth, growth, change and eventually yes, death. We all are here in this beautiful world that our maker created for us. Now is the time to decided to look around and see that beauty. One of my favorite things in the entire world is the sky--from the sunrise to the stars--I am in love with it. I live to be outside, basking in that life giving light. As I take the time to do this, I begin to see things differently, and get an eternal perspective. Oh how crushingly grateful I am for this world.

Ordinary People

It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no "ordinary" people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.
C.S. Lewis

My parents, my heroes.

I am in love with a boy. Ingrid Michaelson happens to be the theme today. Sometimes you can't see what will happen. I certainly can't but yes in all of our lives, everything will be okay. This life is our time to learn and figure things out, our time to trust in that supreme maker, our Heavenly Father. He does see, so when I don't I trust in the one who can. I strive to listen to him and hope that this can only bring good. I am trusting in you Father. Take care of that boy that I love. Take good good care of him.

Fear

Well we step into the unknown, every time we step into the darkness. We can fear that darkness all we want but it is still there. I propose we walk head first into the darkness, eyes open and ready to see and learn. We may stumble, fall but then we'll begin to see. Let us fear no fate on this night. For as you know it will all turn out just the way it needs to be.

Home

Okay so it is officially March. Brent's birthday is Friday and I love music. And Brent of course.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHKuB85EgnI

I'll always see in mountains silent grandeur
and do not ask about their whence or why.
When Nature, from herself, created nature,
she made this globe complete and perfect.

Goethe's Faust

Today I cried.

I copied this from a friend. She always happens to have the words, including the ones that hurt me the deepest.

"It's humiliating and hard to be human."

I heard this from a motivational speaker earlier tonight, and I immediately copied it down in my notebook.
See, I am human (obviously), and I am painfully aware of that fact.
I am aware of it every time I study for a test and barely pass (or don't pass at all).
I am aware of it every time I lose my temper with someone cause deep down I'm frustrated with myself.
I am aware of it every time I ignore my problems, only to find they have increased.
I am aware of it every time I sit down to write and cannot express myself.
I am aware of it every time I cry.
I am aware of it every time I forget myself.
I am aware of it every time I think maybe I can handle this life on my own.
I am aware of it every time I forget other people are humans too.
I am aware of it every time I can't get out of bed because the world is full of opportunities to fail.
Here's to being human. At least it won't last forever.

Today the sky cries.

Hereby it is manifest, that during the time men live without a common power to keep them in awe, they are in that condition which is called war; and such a war, is of every man, against every man...

Thomas Hobbes: Leviathan

Miguel de Cervantes once wrote the words "I was born free, and I chose the solitude of the fields so I could live free. I find my friends among the trees in these mountains; the clear waters of these streams are my mirrors; I share my thoughts with the trees and the streams, as I share my beauty with them. "

I don't profess to know anything, nor can I promise that I won't love you but you should know now. I'm not perfect, nor do I have the perfect words. I write to figure it out with you. We're in this together.

I think we try to be noticed because that means we are alive. Living and breathing, having someone care. No, you won't always find that but you can always give it. Notice others, give them life.